Confessions
by fireworkfiasco
Summary: A set of musings and contemplations.
1. Life

**Confessions **  
Rating: Pg.13  
Blurb: Confessions from _Alias_ stars, featuring musings from Sydney, Vaughn, Sark, and Lauren. Do enjoy.

Chapter 1: Life

* * *

**Life**

I used to have a normal life. Emphasis on 'used to.' I mean, it wasn't 'normal,' per say, but it was everything I could have wanted.

I had my father, my mother, my soul mate, my roommates, my friends…It was amazing. So maybe my father was an ex-double agent who had some shady dealings, and my mother was wanted in almost every country reachable by plane. And so maybe my boyfriend was my handler whose father was killed by my mother. And does it matter that my roommates where either completely evil or an innocent victim of my former employer? Or that my friends all know how to disarm eight pounds of C-4 while dangling from a wire cable from the side of a building?

My life was perfect.

But things changed. It was all stolen from me. Taken away. Ripped away. Thrown aside like so many old leftovers.

Now I've got a forty-year-old couch, half a twelve pack in the fridge, and a father who is obsessed with fixing me.

Not to mention a memory that doesn't exactly function to the prime of it's ability.

I mean, I know what happened to me, but not because I remember it. I don't.

It had to be dictated to me as thought I couldn't spell 'cat' with both the 'c' and the 'a' already written down.

So now that I'm back – back from the dead, if you didn't know – I have to face my life. And I can't just pick up from where I left off, either.

I mean, my father's completely different. I don't know what's with him, but he's changed. He's out of reach.

I haven't heard any thing from my mother. She could be farming sheep in India for all I know.

One of my roommates is hopefully dead, the other living in Wisconsin, happily oblivious to all that's changing.

My friends have changed. Marshall's a father, and Dixon is the boss now.

And my soul mate? Are you sure you're ready for this? The man – the only man I could contemplate waking up next to for the next hundred years of my life – has gone and gotten himself a bride. Yes, my boyfriend is _married._

And I have to watch them – him – her – together – every day. They come in, and I can _see _it in his eyes… I can see him looking at her with that look. The look that I haven't seen in so damn long…

But you know what? He isn't content to simply wound me by loving his wife. No, he must twist the knife in deeper with the words… The longing glances across the debriefing table… The precious moment I believed that he was choosing me…

Does anything ever work out the way you want it to? No. He says the same words to his wife, gives her the looks he used to give me, and ultimately returns home with her. Her. Not me.

Never me.

I had it for a few precious weeks, and I treasure those with all of my heart. The weeks that I understood _life_. The weeks that I could be myself and not have to hide anything. The weeks when I looked ahead and saw a bright, sunny future, sparkling with laughter, with promises, with kisses, with hope, with _love._

You know I see now? A future, coated with layers of grimy memories that are tired after being pulled out so many times. A future where I find myself walking alone, trudging ahead with no purpose, no reason, no dreams, no laughter, nothing. The road ahead of my is straight and narrow – a long, solitary journey I will make alone.

Can you imagine that future? One where your tomorrows don't matter? A future where waking up isn't something to look forward to, it just simply _happens_ and there's nothing you can do to control it?

I don't have to imagine it. I see it every time I look ahead.

And the odd thing is I can't find it in me to hate him. He may have torn my life apart with his bare hands, leaving the pieces scattered like acorns on the forest floor, but he also gave me what I've wanted forever.

He gave me laughter. Promises. Kisses. Hope. Love.

In effect, he ruined me for every other man. I can't look at anyone without comparing them to him.

I can't hate him because I still love him.

Oh dear God, what am I going to do?

_:fin:_


	2. Duty

**Confessions **  
Rating: Pg.13  
Blurb: Confessions from _Alias_ stars, featuring musings from Sydney, Vaughn, Sark, and Lauren. Do enjoy.

Chapter 2: Duty

* * *

**Duty **

The word chokes me. I can feel instinct taking over, demanding that I ignore the call to _duty_ and instead listen to what my mind, my heart, my soul is screaming in my ears.

I made a mistake.

A horrible one. One that ruined me. It ruined who I am. Who I want to be. Heck, I don't think I could have made a worse error. I can't look myself in the eye anymore. All I feel is immeasurable guilt, mixing with my blood. Uniting with my heartbeat. Destroying me from the inside out.

My story kills me every time I tell it. It shows me for who I really am; unworthy. Petty. Selfish.

I fell in love.

I fell head over heels, 100, completely and totally in love.

Her name was Sydney Bristow.

No; _is_ Sydney Bristow. I could lie and say it was a school boy crush that I knew wouldn't amount to anything. But I knew the moment I saw her that she was the one woman who I could ever honestly give my heart to.

Anybody else just wouldn't do.

But somehow, she was stolen from me. I was told she was dead. Gone forever. Passed onto whatever comes after death.

And I broke.

Completely. I had no understanding of life. I wasn't living, wasn't _really_ alive in any sense of the word. I remember nothing but the unending pain that shot through my heart every time I took a breath. Every moment I stayed alive only reminded me of her and her lost time. Her lost minutes. Her lost seconds.

Her.

Somehow, I found someone who distracted me from my pain. She was something different.

Different from Sydney. Different from _her_.

And then she came back. She returned from the grave and reawakened every emotion I thought I'd suppressed the day I wedded my wife. Yes, my _wife_.

And as I sat across from my Sydney, watching the pain blossom on her sweet face as she recognized my betrayal…

Now I am trapped between _duty_ and truth.

_Duty _being my obligation to the woman I wedded. The woman who the law recognizes as my mate 'till death do us part.'

Truth being what I honestly want to do. What I long to do with everything that makes me a man.

What I am afraid to do.

I've already betrayed her once. Hurt her once. Scarred her once. Her guardian angel, the one to protect her from anything, to be there for her whenever…

I couldn't risk doing it again. After seeing the horror, the pain, the sadness that has etched premature lines onto her beautiful face…I'm at a point that I can't trust myself.

It scares me to think that I could hurt her that much.

I never knew I could wield that much power. And against someone that I love so much…

I do, you know. Love her that much. I would give everything to see her smile at me, that one dimple pressed into her cheek. To let her look at me without that nagging hint of fear.

She's afraid I don't love her anymore. That we won't be together.

_Duty. _Truth.

I think I hate myself.

Oh God, what should I do?

_:fin:_


	3. Nothing

**Confessions **  
Rating: Pg.13  
Blurb: Confessions from _Alias_ stars, featuring musings from Sydney, Vaughn, Sark, and Lauren. Do enjoy. This is Sark's point of view, fyi.

Chapter 3: Nothing_  
_

* * *

**Nothing**

It's who I am. Invisible. Watching from the side, unable to join in your life without destroying one of us.

And it can't be you. You have that world you fit so nicely in; the life, the friends, _him_. But let's not speak of him. Too many other words need to be said.

You know what I love the most about you?

Your eyes. They're so dark, like melted chocolate, swirling into a vortex of pleasure. But never for me. No, I'm the one who can only watch the gleam in your eyes from afar.

I saw you again today. I mean, I usually try to keep tabs on you, to make sure you're safe. To make sure that nothing happens to you. But today was unexpected. We crossed paths, you unusually happy, dimples pressed into your cheeks like kisses from an angel.

You never saw me. You looked right through me as though I wasn't standing, slack jawed, staring at you.

And for the millionth time you ripped out my heart and stomped on it.

I know, I know. I'm supposed to be the untouchable one. The one who feels nothing and therefore can't be anything to anybody.

And so it is. I'm nothing to you. _Nothing_.

I hate that word. It's so common, so misused. And now I'm at the receiving end of it. I'm a nothing.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. The very beginning. The moment I saw you, pictures of you, labeled an enemy, to be done away with using any means necessary, I knew. I knew then that there was a bond there… Something unexplainable but completely and utterly amazing.

And it's only grown.

When I finally laid my eyes on you, I realized the only flaw the camera had. It may have been the most high tech instrument on Earth, but it failed to capture the _glow_ you had, radiating around you like an angel's halo, bright in my dim world.

You are, you know. My angel.

You saved me from what I would've become; angry and violent, a boy caught in the crosshairs of death, on a path to Hell.

But you can't completely save me, for even as you pull me from Hell's grasp, you force me down as well, hatred flashing in your deep eyes every time you look my way.

Am I doomed to be hated?

Is it possible for me to explain the pounding of my heartbeat I feel everything time I _think_ about you? Is this sick, twisted emotion that draws me to you while you ignore me _love_?

It must be. There's no other explanation. I must love you.

The woman who is determined to kill me. Slowly. To maim me, and laugh as I bleed before you, my blood a sacrifice at your alter. My life for your pleasure. My love for your hate.

It is the way of life. It is what I am doomed to.

A life without you.

Without your dark eyes flashing with life. With laughter. With that spark I can only imagine if I close my eyes and forget the pain of living my life.

I must accept that it will never happen.

I am _nothing,_ after all.

So I hide behind my cold façade, trying to block out the part of me that dies every time I see you. I force my face into a mask, trying to hide behind the death that reeks around me. I try to forget your scent, etched into my memory the few moments I was close enough to sample it.

I've never even spoken to you in passing. A few words here, there; and we are eternal enemies, destined for hatred. Jesus, I never thought I'd hate being me so much.

The thought of never being close enough to taste you, to kiss you only once…

I'm dieing. I must be.

The pain is so sharp, wrapping around my heart like barbed wire, twisting and digging into my flesh, effectively ruining me for the rest of the world.

I am _nothing_ to you.

And it's killing me.

Jesus, how am I going to fix this?

_:fin:_


	4. Pretend

**Confessions **  
Rating: Pg.13  
Blurb: Confessions from _Alias_ stars, featuring musings from Sydney, Vaughn, Sark, and Lauren. Do enjoy.

Chapter 4: Pretend_  
_

* * *

**Pretend**

That's all it really was. A giant, elaborate game of pretend. One that could end up with one or both of us with bullets in our heads.

The facts?

I married him because that's what I was ordered to do. And he married me. It was his decision, not one I made for him. I thought there was really something there. I thought _I_ had something that no one else had.

I knew his past. The 'special' girl that was taken away from him. I knew the bitch. Saw her every now and then on missions for the Covenant. Heard they broke her down and made her bleed, her tears running red with the pain.

I was happy.

I married a man I thought loved me. Never mind that I didn't love him back; that he wasn't what I really wanted…

Things change.

And I fell for the bastard. He played me like a violin, deep, dark eyes melancholy and lonely, haunted and chilling. He convinced me that I was something special. He made me believe that I was good enough for somebody for once.

He was my first.

I'd had others, but only because they were Covenant Operations. I was told to seduce, to fool, to take advantage of this man or that, sometimes more than one… They never meant anything. I didn't know them and they didn't know me.

Until Michael. Until my husband.

He knew me. Or at least the part of me I could share with him. There were things about me that no one ever knew or would ever know again. And he stayed with me in spite of them.

I molded my life to his. And sometimes I would forget that this was just another mission. I would dream of children, of the little house with the white picket fence, of cozy days spent dreaming of a golden future…

Once again: things change.

That bitch came back. She waltzed in and tore the family we were weaving to shreds. I watched it happen with my own eyes: the love I had occasionally seen lurking behind the surface and mistakenly assumed was for me, his wife, surged deep and true.

But not for me.

It was for her. He still loved her. Not me; her. I couldn't fathom it at first; I thought he loved me. I thought that meant we'd make it through anything.

As it began to dawn on me that my world was crumbling before me, I desperately tried to pick up the pieces. I had broken the _code_. And if anyone found out, I knew I was going to die.

So I hid it by lashing out. I needed to hurt him as he hurt me. I found that _boy_ amusing. He distanced the pain, made me feel special again. I _wanted_ Michael to find out that I betrayed him as he had betrayed me.

But all I could hear was a voice chanting without cease, "It's only a job!"

If it's only a job, why am I so attached?

I had convinced him that I loved him, and he had convinced me that he loved me. It was all a lie. A game. Pretend. An imaginary world where everything is perfect and the sun always shines. Where the girl always gets the guy.

Everyone wants them to be together; they're so _perfect _for each other. It's the way it _always_ turns out in the movies. You know what the movies never show? What happens to the other girl; the one that just wasn't right for him.

All that matters is that the soul mates be together.

Never mind the husbands and wives they ditch along the way.

I'm nothing to him now. But my question is; was I ever?

Was I ever anything more than one giant rebound date to pull him through the depression of losing _her_? Was I something special? I've never been special before. I've never been _anything_ to _anybody_.

And for a little while there, I felt like I was somebody who people could love. But he took it all away the day I watched him fall for her again… He had woken up to the phone call, untangling his arms from around me… And I watched him. His eyes awoke with an inner joy that I never could have put there. I knew that bitch had betrayed the Covenant and returned to her life.

And I hated her.

She was _something _to Michael. Something that I wasn't.

He killed me that night; as I watched a love I never knew float across his face, clouding his features in that damned emotion.

I've never had anyone love me.

It was all pretend. I never loved him. Never. _Never_. It was just my job. A job. The job. The damned job.

Oh Jesus, the job…

_:fin:_


	5. Alone

**Confessions  
**Rating: Pg.13  
Blurb: Confessions from _Alias_ stars, featuring musings from Sydney, Vaughn, Sark, and Lauren. Do enjoy.

Chapter 5: Alone_  
_

* * *

**Alone**

It's me again.

I've told you my sorrows, listed them for you to criticize and badger, to point and mummer behind fluttering hands, eyes sober as you take in the mindlessness of my life.

Now I must update them; allow you to see how far my life has sunk now.

Let me fill you in: Lauren? My wife? The woman I promised myself to? Oh, yes, she works for the Covenant. She married me for no other purpose than to see me fail, to uplift my demons; those that stole away my Sydney.

And Sydney? The ever-present love of my life? The woman I would die for? She thinks we're not strong enough to make it through this. She doesn't seem to think that the love I carry for her is burning true anymore.

She thinks I'm doing this for Lauren.

No. No, not ever. Not a chance.

This is for her.

I'm getting ahead of myself…

Have you ever had that feeling that you don't know what to do with your life? I get that feeling ever day at dawn, the moment my consciousness kicks in and I explore the boundaries of my bed, not surprised to find the cold sheets as my only companion.

I'm alone now.

For how long?

I used to be afraid of being lonely; it meant the haunts would come back and Sydney would speak to me and I to her. It was the only time I ever was frightened of her. She was so radiantly beautiful, but yet so grotesque because she tempted me with nothing but my memories. My memories. They were strong enough that I spoke to them, words poring out before I realized that an answer would never blossom from those sweet lips I dreamed of kissing again. They were so close and yet so far, and I never ceased to fear to be alone.

I'm alone again.

My Sydney; the one who called me her guardian angel and snuck me glances on the sly, doesn't know me anymore.

She seems to think I'm doing this, acting this way, behaving like a trained assassin, for _my_ benefit. Never. I'm torn. Between her and my _duty _to do away with the plague that ruined my life. What she doesn't understand is that I can't be with her until I've righted the wrongs that pulled me from her in the first place. Does she understand how the guilt is eating me inside? I lost faith. I gave up on 'us,' and let another supposedly fill her shoes. Only no one could ever replace her.

She thinks I'm doing this for me. That the reason I want to hunt down Lauren is for my own retribution. No. I'm doing this for the life I want to have with her; one filled with a bright, sunny future without the threat of a reappearance of past haunts. Namely, Lauren. That woman, the freak that I married, will have no peace until I've seen her blood spilled for Sydney. For the woman that I love. For the woman that I want to have as my wife. For the woman who never lost faith. For _my_ Sydney.

I won't rest until I watch her bleed. She is the enemy; evil in woman form. Anything I could do to cause her the pain she caused me, I _will_ do. Only it could never equal out. She destroyed a part of me. And I want my revenge. I want to see her pain.

No, I _need_ to see her pain.

She has put me through Hell, denying me the one thing I need in life to survive; my Sydney. And now I may not even have that.

Because of her, Sydney may have lost faith in me. And that scares me a hell of a lot more than the threat of Lauren and Sark, the bad-ass duo who are supposedly invincible.

Invincible? Unlikely. I will see them fall. I will watch them crash and burn, dying in the inferno that they started the day they crossed me.

Why am I doing this?

Not for me.

For Sydney.

For us.

_:fin:_


	6. Done

**Confessions **  
Rating: Pg.13  
Blurb: Confessions from _Alias_ stars, featuring musings from Sydney, Vaughn, Sark, and Lauren. Do enjoy.

Chapter 6: Done_  
_

* * *

**Done**

He did it.

He pulled the trigger.

The echoes still haunt me, loud and crystal clear when I close my eyes to sleep; and faint and blurred as I make my way through my days.

He did it.

And he's fine with it.

His eyes aren't saddened; they once again have the happy sparkle that makes me shiver all the way down to my toes. I've waited for that glow for so long…I love him so badly I can feel it throbbing in my stomach every time I see him.

And now I don't have to push it to the back of my mind. I can love him openly because I know he loves me.

This is good. This is great. This is…beyond words.

I don't care what happens to me tomorrow. As long as I can wake up knowing that the man I love can love me back; that he _does_ love me back is enough.

I'm content again.

I used to dream about Vaughn…He would come, sweep me into his arms, and never let me go… Words I haven't heard in so long would drift like the softest lullaby as I slipped to a place were all that mattered was _us_. I would always wake up crying, my tears burning trails down my cheeks as I flipped the wet pillow over and buried myself in it to hide the sobs.

I don't dream anymore.

Instead, I find myself seduced every night, taken by surprise as I watch our love blossom and unfurl… It never really died, you know. Its just been set aside. And now I watch as it springs back to life; it's roots digging deeper as we realize our bond.

This is how it's supposed to be…

Now I can wake up, wrapped in familiar arms as I greet the dawn, which now is rosy and bright, kissing my bed sheets as it slowly climbs its journey to bestow a halo upon my love as he sleeps, unaware.

It used to be gray and cold, shattering the bliss of unfeeling sleep as I awoke to freezing sheets and a somber reality.

I like the new dawn better.

Sometimes I still slip in the depression that used to be my everything. I have attacks; frightened that he will leave me as he realizes what his life has become…

I'm scared that he'll no longer want to be with me.

But then, every night, as I drift into a satisfying sleep of complete paradise, listening to the steady breathing beside me, breathing in the musky odor I adore, tasting that unique flavor of _him_, and feeling the warmth beside me; I know that this is for real.

He did it.

It's done.

_:fin:_


End file.
